What I may say…
"I shouldn’t have worn this thong.."
What I may ask…
"Does my booty look good in these jeans?"
What I meant by saying that…
"This thong is really getting on my nerves…"
What I really meant by that question…
"Does my booty like good in these jeans…?"
And that’s ^^ the honest truth. What I say is exactly what I mean. There is no underlying meaning or any suggestive tones hidden between my words. I have never been one full of inhibitions nor have I ever been one to say things hoping they are taken in a different way.
Why am I saying all of this?
At the moment I am currently getting to know someone and we are on our way to becoming more than friends. At some point down the line our friendship will also become a more in depth relationship and we will be together. I want to be 100% sure that I am, at all times, COMPLETELY myself.
You’re probably still thinking about me talking about that thong…scratch that. It was just an example, so go reread everything you just scanned over and then come back down here….
Now that you’ve read that, you’re probably thinking “Uh…duh. Why wouldn’t you be yourself?” And to that I say, “Stop judging me and keep reading!”
Me and this guy have been getting really close and it has been put out there that he wants more to come of us. I’ve let a few guards down and I’ve become a bit comfortable with him…but I’m still holding back. Everyone I know and the folks I hang out with are fully aware of how I am. My outrageous ways and crazy personality doesn’t make the folks in my inner circle bat an eyelash. When I exclaim “My goodness my boobs hurt” or “Vicky’s has this amazing sale on panties and I’m about to go stock up..” they know I meant just what I said. There isn’t any “Is she trying to draw attention to her chest?” or “Is she trying to get us thinking about her panties” kinda ideas popping up. They know that’s just not how I am.
I’m saying all of this because a month or so ago I heard this guy saying that there are things some girls say that causes him to stumble. In my head I was like…well duh, because there are so many chicks trying to get attention by talking semi-dirty all the time. Then he said “And most of the time it’s simple stuff like mentioning a body part or under garments”… Now I know that all guys, both renewed in faith and not, struggle with lust. It is not in the least bit of my intentions of causing ANY guy to regress by causing his mind to wander off into Lusty Land. It truly isn’t.
Some time ago, I was talking to the guy I spoke of and I was about to say something about how I think my butt was getting bigger…but I stopped myself. Even though I do believe he knows that’s just how I am because we’ve hung out numerous times…I didn’t want to chance it. Ever since I heard that guy say what he said, I’ve been holding back on what I say and what I do..and honestly it sucks. I understand that I shouldn’t be talking about body parts in front of strangers, or making sexual jokes to random folks in attempts of getting their minds on sex…and I don’t. Never have…Hanging with my family after being away at school for so long showed me just how much I was retaining though. I saw just how much Allison I was having caged up, and I didn’t like it. It made me feel…fake. Like I was trying to sell myself as something more “appropriate” or whatever word you wanna use. If he’s gonna become someone close to me, then he’s gonna eventually get a huge amount of my “openess”…but I don’t wanna seem like “Ohh I haven’t said anything remotely gross, dealing with body parts, having to do with anything sexual, etc etc but now that we’ve made it this far..? Booty booty booty BOOTY!!”
This is something I take quite seriously, so while shopping with my sister I asked her what I should do and she basically said “Why are you holding back? Why can’t you be yourself?”
And I thought about that for a pretty long time. I should be able to be myself because, well…, I am myself. So I figured that I should just talk to him about it and straight up ask him if talking about certain things would bother him or cause his thoughts to stray. Since this would be my first godly relationship there are many things I feel should be different than my past ones. Dealing with sexual attraction on either end is something I want to be sure is under control. It isn’t a problem for me, but I do know that guys tend to have a harder time with that so I don’t want to stir that up. When people make the comment that I’m a straight forward person I always say “Why not be? That’s how I am”..I figure you might as well put everything on the table when it comes to friendships/relationships. The other person needs to know from the beginning that this is what I have to offer and this is what I’m about. If you don’t like it…I can go somewhere else..
Right now, I feel like I’m trying to cover up part of me.
Ugh..I hate when I start to over analyze things. Inbox me with suggestions or whatever.